I really hope my life doesn’t flash before my eyes when I die. There’s some fucked up shit I really wouldn’t want to see again.

A brief conversation I had the other day:  Brain Tumour Person I recently met: ‘Do you ever feel like you’re living on borrowed time?’ Me:Aren’t we all living on borrowed time whether we have a brain tumour or not?’

I’ve become a brain tumour crackerjack overnight. Go on ask me a question, any question?

I’ve already completed my Mastermind application and feeling quietly confident. Although hesitant about the general knowledge round. It’s very sexist, always too many sport questions.

The other subject I’ve been considering lately is death.

I know it sounds melancholy, but it’s a fact of life.

Some people live their life the same way every day. They get up, they put up with a load of shit, they go back to bed.

That’s not me… I live in the moment and I’m not putting up with anyone’s shit… Not anymore anyway.

Never a forward planner… I’ve been winging it most of my life…  Career, parenting, marriage, eye shadow application, virtually everything. 

Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.  Just ask any of my husbands.

I live like this because I don’t see the point in planning too far ahead…  Anything could happen tomorrow.  And I think I’ve verified that point recently.

Everyone considers death at some point and I bet anyone reading this has asked themselves at least one of these three questions:

Who would play me in the movie of my life?

Which one out of all my friends is going to pop off first?

How will I die?

Do I look fat in this?

Sorry, the last one was a back-up just in case no-one has actually contemplated any of the first three.

When I was diagnosed and told what the worst possible outcome might be, I started to view death with a sceptical scrutiny.

Obviously I’d miss my loved ones terribly.  But that aside, when you die you die and if there’s diddly squat on the other side you’re not going to know about it…  And if there is… Well I hope it’s going to be a fun fluffy floaty around kind of place.

And I’m not sure if I do believe in reincarnation… I certainly didn’t when I was a hamster.  But then I look into Reggie’s eyes I swear I see Burt Reynolds in there.

My friend Bella (The Cheshire Cat) has just informed me that she doesn’t believe in life after death.  So I told her if there is, I will send her a Chanel handbag in the post as a sign.

One thing I do know for sure… When people have died I haven’t remembered them for the car they drove, the handbag they carried, the facelift they had…  I remember them for how they made ME feel during their time here.

However, that absolutely doesn’t mean I’m offering to give up my handbag collection.

And here’s a little tip I recently picked up… If you don’t want to die alone…

Don’t be a cunt.

some fucked up shit
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‘You only go around once, but if you play your cards right, once is enough.’ Frank Sinatra

I was just thinking the other day that there has to be some benefit to having a goddamn mother-fucking brain tumour.

Then it suddenly dawned on me. If you play your cards right you get to join an elite circle.

And so I’m now a member of two exclusive clubs. And they each come with a gold card. One’s called the Cancer Card and the other’s called the Brain Tumour Card.

When you carry these cards you acquire many benefits. They can get you out of almost anything and come with no pre-set spending limit.. It’s just like having a black Amex.

Toting these cards can excuse you from virtually any social obligation you don’t fancy attending. Lunches, dinners, parties, weddings, walking the dog.

All you need to do is flash your card and you get an instant ‘out of jail’. It works for almost anything.

‘Oh I’m so sorry I forgot your birthday/anniversary/christmas card but I’ve got a goddamn fucking brain tumour and I can hardly even recollect my own name or walk in a straight line.’

It’s also great for getting what you want. So when M’s watching sport or some monotonous long-winded-shit history program on the television and I come into the room and say ‘Can we watch something else?’ His response is ’But I’m watching this!’  Then I retaliate with ‘But I’ve got brain cancer!’ Works like a dream every time.

Or when another package lands on the porch from The Outnet or Lulu Lemon I get ‘Don’t you have enough stuff?  Do you really need more?’ I can answer this with ‘Why would you say that? Are you suggesting I might die soon?’

So to anyone who’s eligible for these ‘members only’ cards, enjoy it’s easy access, instant approval and great benefits!

No credit history?
No job?
No photo ID?
No problem!

Don’t leave home without it!

Footnote: There are many ways to play your cards.. I have particularly fond memories of a game of strip poker in Bermuda circa 1994. My guru and me were shrewd enough to each put on 12 pairs of knickers before the game began.