‘Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth. They say in heaven, love comes first. We’ll make heaven a place on Earth. Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth.’ I think only of Bermuda when I hear this song.’

WARNING: Virtually no cursing in this post. Just love and a few mildly offensive images.

One of my Blighty Besties arrived on a jet plane. We’re like a contradictory version of Ab Fab’s Patsy and Eddie. I’m sober Patsy and she’s skinny Eddie.

We generally entertain ourselves by conversing with random strangers… And we have no preference.

Tuesday consisted of:

Meeting a handsome retired Colombian drug baron and his adorable wife in the club pool.

When they informed us they’d been married 59 years I enquired  ‘So what’s the secret to a long and happy marriage?’

‘It’s our 3 week anal vacation to Bermuda.’ He divulged in his sexy Spanish accent.

Admirable at his age and she deserves a medal… Or a very large Colombian emerald for being such a trooper.

We then moved on to a bewilderingly voluminous cackle of women from Massachusetts (also in pool soup).

They told us they were here with their husbands for a fun weekend getaway.

That’s lady-like code for ‘fucked up debauched gang bang’

Our final encounter consisted of a flamboyant Belgium 3some…  And as delicious looking as the chocolate variety. Not only did their outfits coordinate exquisitely but their names… Aart, Abe and Abel were equally magnificent.

The following day, after my morning ritual of an hour long float, I discovered a savvy skill I didn’t know I had.

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Turns out I’m an aficionado diving guru. Eddie went from being the bellyflop beaver to the swan dive diva in a matter of hours thanks to my expert instruction. And a little help from a 5 and 8 year old.

Dinner by the harbour followed, with views of a dozen floating gin palaces.

I taunted Eddie into acquiring us an invite onboard. A tricky task at best seeing as we’re no longer sexy young kitties.

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However, she did come back with the offer of a tour aboard an antiquated fishing vessel named The Happy Hooker.

The next day was spent on the ocean. Kayaking the idealic peaceful islands with the occasional high pitched sequel when one of us spotted a turtle popping it’s cute head up for air.

Friday happy hour ended at 1am. We danced, sang, snogged one another and fought over a young sexy beast who also happened to be a superb dancer. Apparently when a guy grinds his knee into your vagina it’s called ‘salsa’.

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The evening ended with me spreading my legs…. to the stars.

My lack of filter came in handy the next morning when I picked a fight with a bunch of builders after witnessing them throw fag butts into the ocean.

Denial was their first attempt at defence so I added artistic licence to my response.

‘Look not only do I have incurable brain cancer but I have 8 year old triplet boys who swim in this stretch every morning and if they choke on your butts I’ll sue YOUR ignorant butts until you’re incontinent!’

Seemed to do the trick so we went for a smug dip.

Our final night with dearest friends listening to Yellow Man, sitting on the white-washed roof, drinking champagne and watching the perfect sunset.

This last 10 days have been the best tonic since that cunning little cunt Bambi entered my world 5 months ago.

The love I feel from my beautiful friends and the energy I receive from this heaven on Earth is maybe the cure for my cancer.

‘In this world we’re just beginning.  To understand the miracle of living.  Baby, I was afraid before. But I’m not afraid anymore.’

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I’m a ‘ROCKSTAR’ and there’s no denying it now.

Swiftly upgraded from the ICU,  l’m now residing on the swanky Four Seasons ward of this shiny new hospital.

Especially popular (it must be my fancy British accent and breathtaking assemblage of pjs) I’m inundated with fans aka fabulous nurses, doctors, interns, dieticians, physiotherapists, cleaning ladies, caterers, chambermaids and the chatty man who unblocks the loos.  

At 6am I had to put my foot down though.. Well actually it was my yellow non-slippy socked foot.  

A young handsome doctor bounded into my room.  He had a Starbucks Vente in one hand and a shiny pair of pliers in the other.  He seemed wired.. Like he had three hours remaining of a forty-hour sleepless shift. 

He approached explaining he was here to remove the staples from my head. ‘No thanks!’  Was my instant response,  ‘I don’t think I’m ready for this, please come back later.’ 

Luckily, he didn’t protest and swiftly left.. Possibly in search of a quiet gurney to cat nap on. 

A few minutes later another adorable young doctor entered also brandishing a pair of pliers but with no caffeine in hand.

‘Hello’  he said  ‘I’m here to remove your staples.’ 

‘Do you have gentle hands?’  Was my nervous reply.  ‘Yes I believe so..’ he responded confidently enough.  ‘Ok you can come over here and very gently remove the staples from my head.’

I whiffed his breath as he approached to confirm he hadn’t been on the coffee bean elixir.  It wasn’t a painless procedure but he managed to remove the staples with only a couple of little squawks from me. 

After which my headband sanitary napkin was gone and my wound was unveiled.  It was time to look at my gorgeous surgeon’s piece de resistance. 

I bumbled to the bathroom and took a glimpse in the mirror at my expertly stitched dissolvable sutures..  Frankenstein‘s bride came to mind.  Yeah not my best look.. And slightly furious I hadn’t thought to ask Doc to give me a face-lift while he was at it.. Surely incision lines would be same.   

The day progressed with various IV fillers, pills and buttock injections. One thing I’m having to endure is steroids through IV which instantly disburses a malice electrical current to my ‘back passage region’.. Not an erotic sensation I would willingly sign up for.

The other thing that’s changed around here is the climate under the sheets.. Things are usually pretty calm and tranquil in my world but it’s gotten windy and we’re experiencing great sailing conditions.. Don’t be surprised if things start to disappear into the Bermuda Triangle!