I was just thinking the other day that there has to be some benefit to having a goddamn mother-fucking brain tumour.
Then it suddenly dawned on me. If you play your cards right you get to join an elite circle.
And so I’m now a member of two exclusive clubs. And they each come with a gold card. One’s called the Cancer Card and the other’s called the Brain Tumour Card.
When you carry these cards you acquire many benefits. They can get you out of almost anything and come with no pre-set spending limit.. It’s just like having a black Amex.
Toting these cards can excuse you from virtually any social obligation you don’t fancy attending. Lunches, dinners, parties, weddings, walking the dog.
All you need to do is flash your card and you get an instant ‘out of jail’. It works for almost anything.
‘Oh I’m so sorry I forgot your birthday/anniversary/christmas card but I’ve got a goddamn fucking brain tumour and I can hardly even recollect my own name or walk in a straight line.’
It’s also great for getting what you want. So when M’s watching sport or some monotonous long-winded-shit history program on the television and I come into the room and say ‘Can we watch something else?’ His response is ’But I’m watching this!’ Then I retaliate with ‘But I’ve got brain cancer!’ Works like a dream every time.
Or when another package lands on the porch from The Outnet or Lulu Lemon I get ‘Don’t you have enough stuff? Do you really need more?’ I can answer this with ‘Why would you say that? Are you suggesting I might die soon?’
So to anyone who’s eligible for these ‘members only’ cards, enjoy it’s easy access, instant approval and great benefits!
No credit history?
No photo ID?
Don’t leave home without it!
Footnote: There are many ways to play your cards.. I have particularly fond memories of a game of strip poker in Bermuda circa 1994. My guru and me were shrewd enough to each put on 12 pairs of knickers before the game began.