I made an important life changing decision today but I’ll get to that in a little while.
We had another appointment to meet the radiology team. This time, the lovely people I’ll be seeing 5 days a week for 6 weeks.
First I had to pee in a minuscule cup. As always my aim was off, I got it on my hands, shoes, the loo, the floor and all over the cup. The shocking thing though was the colour of it.. Fluorescent Orangina, without the fizz, swishing around.
Clearly, I hadn’t consumed enough water since the contrast MRI yesterday where they pumped me full of fluid to see if Bambi was still lurking.
The reason they performed the pee test was to see if I was pregnant.. Even though I’d informed them I haven’t had a period in forever they still felt it prudent to check.
We waited with baited breath and I mentioned to M that this could be the first menopausal immaculate conception baby ever, or better still.. Twins.
It took an unusually long time for the results, which convinced me it WAS twins.
Naturally I started thinking names. If it’s girls.. Bunny and Hunny.. And boys.. Danger and Ranger.
Eventually results came back and surprise surprise no little menopause babies for us. We’ll just have to get more pets to fill the empty nest. Maybe I can play the cancer card to get the 3 donkeys I always wanted. Boli, Dom and Krug.
So even though I still don’t know if I’m having Photon or Proton therapy the wheels have been set into spinning motion and the biggest deal is the radiotherapy mask which is essential when attempting to eradicate evil brain cells at the same time as trying to keep the good guys.
The procedure was explained.. it would feel like a spa treatment.
I wasn’t falling for this and decided to pop a couple of Valium just to be on the safe side. So by the time the process started I was feeling spa-like relaxed and they could’ve told me I was in the Mandarin Oriental Miami and I might’ve believed them. The moulding and sculpting took place and was followed by a swift CT scan.
So the huge life changing decision we had to make came next.
What type of mask would I like?
I was offered a bland selection but nothing appealed. I asked the nice radio man if I could have a superhero mask and he looked at me in a blank kind of shocked way and said ‘Well we do this for children sometimes, but I’ve never been asked to do it for an adult before.’ ‘Yes, but is it possible?’ Was my response ‘Okay, well I can show you a few kids ones I’ve done.’ He answered.
He then revealed a selection of impressive photos – a pink unicorn, the Incredible Hulk and Wonder Woman.
It was a tough choice as I’d been secretly dreaming of Spider-Man. But then I thought, maybe I’d like something more feminine and enquired what his opinion was re. making me the face of a blow-up sex doll.
M stamped his foot at this and said ‘NO WAY’.
Then we moved back to superheroes and I suggested a sultry looking Catwoman. We liaised over some provocative images of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry then found a sexy Catwoman compromise and all agreed that would do the trick.. Minus the latex suit of course.
So there you have it. Biggest decision made today and I’m going to face this terra-fucking-frying treatment as goddamn Catwoman!