Swiftly upgraded from the ICU, l’m now residing on the swanky Four Seasons ward of this shiny new hospital.
Especially popular (it must be my fancy British accent and breathtaking assemblage of pjs) I’m inundated with fans aka fabulous nurses, doctors, interns, dieticians, physiotherapists, cleaning ladies, caterers, chambermaids and the chatty man who unblocks the loos.
At 6am I had to put my foot down though.. Well actually it was my yellow non-slippy socked foot.
A young handsome doctor bounded into my room. He had a Starbucks Vente in one hand and a shiny pair of pliers in the other. He seemed wired.. Like he had three hours remaining of a forty-hour sleepless shift.
He approached explaining he was here to remove the staples from my head. ‘No thanks!’ Was my instant response, ‘I don’t think I’m ready for this, please come back later.’
Luckily, he didn’t protest and swiftly left.. Possibly in search of a quiet gurney to cat nap on.
A few minutes later another adorable young doctor entered also brandishing a pair of pliers but with no caffeine in hand.
‘Hello’ he said ‘I’m here to remove your staples.’
‘Do you have gentle hands?’ Was my nervous reply. ‘Yes I believe so..’ he responded confidently enough. ‘Ok you can come over here and very gently remove the staples from my head.’
I whiffed his breath as he approached to confirm he hadn’t been on the coffee bean elixir. It wasn’t a painless procedure but he managed to remove the staples with only a couple of little squawks from me.
After which my headband sanitary napkin was gone and my wound was unveiled. It was time to look at my gorgeous surgeon’s piece de resistance.
I bumbled to the bathroom and took a glimpse in the mirror at my expertly stitched dissolvable sutures.. Frankenstein‘s bride came to mind. Yeah not my best look.. And slightly furious I hadn’t thought to ask Doc to give me a face-lift while he was at it.. Surely incision lines would be same.
The day progressed with various IV fillers, pills and buttock injections. One thing I’m having to endure is steroids through IV which instantly disburses a malice electrical current to my ‘back passage region’.. Not an erotic sensation I would willingly sign up for.
The other thing that’s changed around here is the climate under the sheets.. Things are usually pretty calm and tranquil in my world but it’s gotten windy and we’re experiencing great sailing conditions.. Don’t be surprised if things start to disappear into the Bermuda Triangle!