C U Next Tuesday Bambi! Well technically it’s C U tomorrow but that doesn’t spell out the four-letter word I want to scream from the rooftops right now.
So the other day I heard someone say that laughter is the best medicine.
This is bollocks because if you have a brain tumour then a craniotomy is definitely going to be more effective.
Hence I’m heading to the hospital at some ungodly hour tomorrow to start the process of Bambi’s eviction.
And Bambi honey.. You better not underestimate me because I can go from being a cute little kitty to a fire breathing dragon in the blink of an eye.
And I won’t be taking this lying down.. Well actually I will, but that’s not the point!
Firstly they’ll determine exactly where Bambi’s lurking with a very hi-tech-brain-scan-mapping thingy.
After that I’ll put on the ludicrous gown (+Tuesday knickers) and be wheeled to theatre where they’ll knock me out (I enjoy this bit).
Then Dr. Tall Dark & Handsome will perform the eviction. Bambi will be deported to the path lab where they’ll determine whether or not she’s a benign bitch or a cancerous c**t.
Then we’ll have a quick MRI to double check she hasn’t left any baggage behind. After which I’ll be dispatched to ICU.
This I’m not relishing.. I dislike sharing a room at the best of times. I can just cope with M and the dog so the thought of sharing with strangers really doesn’t appeal.
However, when I’m able to pee without assistance they’ll transfer me to my room where I can examine my stapled head in private.. Shame it’s not Halloween.. They’d be a great accessory.
I have to go now and pack my fabulous new MZ Wallace bag.. If you don’t have one then you must get one. Not even a brain tumour can control my desire for designer swag.
So I’ll see you on the other side when this goddamn mother-fucking bitch is out of my head.
P.S. Thank you so much for the beautiful, kind and thoughtful messages. I truly believe that LOVE IS THE ANSWER to everything and I’m so lucky to be feeling it right now. I’d just like to share this one little message from my oldest friend.. I know it took her ages to write it because she can’t spell 😉
“Touching the cloth is an understatement, my thoughts have been consumed everyday since you told me they were doing tests and when you mentioned the bitter smell, I just knew.
You have been my bestie since we were 9 years old (I’m the younger one I want to add) and consider you my sister. Well you came for tea wearing a silk scarf with a toggle round it (what the fuck was that about) but now I see the class and grace that surrounds you.
We have laughed, cried stole each other’s boyfriends, made homemade clothes from sheets, got drunk and ended up in some very strange situations (but we won’t talk about them) but we have been like this for 42 years and I love you to the ends of the earth.
So I would just like to say I’m quite shocked at the choice of knickers for your hospital stay, my thought swayed to pvc crouch-less knickers to complement your revealing hospital gown so at least the staff would remember you even if you don’t remember them.
From the bottom of my heart I will be thinking of you every second you are under the knife willing Bambi the squatter to be banished.
My darling Sarah I will see you on the bright side of this nightmare. The bright side of life (life of Brian).
Love you to the moon and back.”